Tuesday, July 10, 2007

When nothing else makes sense....

The days that I can't seem to find the meaning of life,
or how to pay the rent,
or how to love the man in my life...
The days when I am so confused and hurt so much inside that I seriously consider
that suicide IS an option...
I have learned that if I can just get myself to the studio, pick-up a canvas, and paint...
Then life falls back into place.
I do not know why this life has been such a struggle for me.
I am told often how truely blessed I am in so many skills.
I'm attractive.
I have a great mind and agood education.
I am a gifted musician.
I write well and express myself in words music and art well.
I have discovered that I have a real gift for creating nature-scapes that make people step back and look;
paintings that move them to feel they remember being there.
I am a very prolific painter.
I win awards, I get news coverage, I get into numerous shows. SO WHY do I not have a career in the ART world? And why is it so important?
It is important because with all my training and all my skills I can't get a job in the DC area that I can live on.
It is important because I see myself - like so many other artists - self sabatoging my career and my life by not taking myself seriously, by letting others define my skill, my talent, my abilities, and my purpose.
I have often been accused of being too cerebral, and yet when I paint I lose all sense of that analysis process and I escape into the color, the form, the sensuality of spreading paint on the paper. If only I could live that way 24/7.